My articulate bro’s article on rare bros

Computer graphics by ROXY M. VALENCERINA

Brokada mix: What kind of bro are you?
Philippine Star 6.29.12

By: Julius Valledor

MANILA, Philippines – A bro is a trustworthy friend that abides by the bro code and has your back no matter what. But not all bros are the same. Some are more bro than others while some aren’t even bro at all. We all know about the stereotypical bro actin’ bro. It could be a school friend you go partying with or someone you spar with during Jiu Jitsu training. But there are some bros that stick out like rare gems. Here is a rundown of some rare bros that you might have never thought existed in your life.

Mala-bros (Fig. 1)

Description: Only by name

How you know this bro: You don’t. He’s your friend’s tito’s new girlfriend’s brother that you once played basketball with at Ronac Art Center. He tried to add you on Facebook once but you didn’t recognize his name or thumbnail photo so you declined. When you see him out it takes you a while for his face to register. He remembers you of course, because you’re that bro… You have three seconds before it becomes awkward. What’s this guy’s name again? Bro, na lang. You haven’t had a solid bromantic moment for him to be part of your brokada but he’s bro enough to be at least called bro. But this isn’t the type of bro you can call when you’re in a pickle because you barely know him. He’s mala-bro.

Handshake: The Uy/nod/sup, bro? combo

Broness: 1

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Brohemians (Fig. 2)

Description: Unconventional bro

How you know this bro: Your weirdest bro of the bunch. He’s always changing and encouraging you to try new things. Last month he was obsessed with Portlandia so he insisted on calling The Fort, Fortlandia. Now he’s an eco-friendly-writer/director/DJ/photographer/designer/painter/chef/blogger/horticulturalist/student of life that makes Earth Day every day by riding a bike, buying local products, and recruiting people to join Green Peace Philippines. His new clothing brand New Age is releasing a hemp sando with spirit guide crystals embedded into the embroidered dreamcatcher graphic on the tag. Sometimes you have no idea what he’s talking about but his positive creative energy rejuvenates your spirit and makes you want to do some good in this world.

How to greet this bro: cosmically through your third eye

Broness: 4

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Bro-logs (Fig. 3)

Description: So 10 years ago

How you know this bro: You pretend like you don’t but you do. You met this bro years ago at a Pulp Summer Slam when he helped you fend off a group of rowdy gutter punks from Escopa 2 that were trying to steal your Coleman filled with grape-flavored Gatorade. Since then he has accompanied you to every place you thought would be a shady one. He was your gig resbak and made sure you moshed in peace. He was even the one who showed you where in Greenhills to buy bootleg Vans Sk8 hi’s and where Tower Recto is located. He’s changed his number more than a dozen times because he always loses his phone. You haven’t heard from him since deleting your Friendster account. You thought you saw him in the crowd of a FlipTop video next to a girl wearing a “Me Na Since Birth” T-shirt but you were wrong. Sometimes you like to sit in the middle of Starmall and watch the people go by. They remind you of him.

How to greet this bro: any outdated handshake

Broness: 2

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SuperMarioBros (Fig. 4)

Description: Freaks and geeks

How you know this bro: You’ve known this bro since high school. He was a geek then and he’s still a geek now. You never run into him because he spends all of his time indoors probably marathoning X-Art while playing Diablo 4, a game he downloaded from an imaginary torrent feed called leakedgamesfromthefuture or LGFTF for short. You pay your SuperMarioBro a visit when you need to have your iPhone jailbroken or to talk about comic books. He is currently looking for investors for his Food Trip app which he developed that gives you a map and description of all the restaurants in the Philippines. Oh, and he has a mustache and a brother named Luigi.

How to greet this bro: Storm Trooper Salute

Broness: 3

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Cele-bro-ties (Fig. 5)

Description: Most Successful

How you know this bro: Your Celebroty wasn’t always a Celebroty. He used to be just one of the bros until he grew some muscles, got his modeling career going, got a bunch of product endorsed billboards along EDSA, nabbed a popular TV show and smoking hot girlfriend, and started making more money than anyone from your brokada combined. Your Celebroty was always the pogi one of the group but you never thought it would take him this far. He keeps you around because you remind him of a simpler time. When you go out you party like old times but now it’s more like an episode of Enoutrage than G-mik.

How to greet this bro: Low Five + Fist Bump + Bro Hug + Combo

Broness: 5

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Alessandria Am-bro-sio (Fig. 6)

Description: chick-bro

How you know this bro: This bro is one of a kind. She’s a bro that you connect with on a girlfriend level but you’ve never hooked up because she is way too hot for you. Sometimes you match outfits without ever consulting each other. It’s cosmic, almost. It feels like you share a soul. She is what you imagine the afterlife to be like. It feels meant to be but she’s your bro. And she has a boyfriend.

How you greet this bro: Beso

Broness: 0

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Donita Bros (Fig. 7)

Description: bros with boobs

How you know this bro: Unlike your Alessandra Ambrosio, your Donita Bro is not a fantasy. She is a true bro that has your back like a real bro would. She has something none of your other bros have: she has information about other girls. You go to her when you need to talk about your problems with girls. Which, unfortunately for you, is quite often. Why can’t all girls be Donita Bros? Loving, caring, understanding, will take a bullet for you, can hold her liquor, and is an all-around bro to the bone. Why?

How to greet this bro: Beso

Broness: 5

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Has-bros (Fig. 8)

Description: Exiled

How you know this bro: This bro is no longer your bro. He used to be your brother-from-another-mother but your another-mother put him up for adoption because he broke the bro code and your whole brokada disowned him. You hardly ever see him but when you do it is awkward. You are reminded of betrayal and all the reasons why you hate the world when he is in your presence. Your relationship with this bro is as plastic as a Hasbro-made toy, but… He’s still a bro; just one that you hate. You know what they say, “Keep your bros close… Keep your Hasbros closer.” No, they don’t but they should start.

How to greet this bro: A nice firm handshake 

Broness: 0


First of all, I’d like to say that this was such a funny yet accurate article. I was laughing my head off at all the types defined by such a concise and serious piece of literature. Great writing in my book. Though one might be a bit suspicious if the author is actually pertaining to specific people (i.e: Figure 5)
This was a really entertaining read, but I think there was one type that was wrongfully excluded. So I decided to add another one haha.  Here goes.
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The Bro-mantic (Fig. below)

Description: most sensitive

How you know this bro: This bro is one sensitive and caring bro, not to be confused with the archaic Emos, he writes letters about how you’re his bro complete with musical arrangement that he just so happened to come up with on the spot. Most often seen frequenting art galleries and having milk-tea with Donita Bro types, and authoring extremely limited, independently produced illustrated children’s storybooks meant for a somewhat older audience. Gives unsolicited hugs, and also seen giving a play by play of his current relationship through his music, art, and cryptic poems.

How to greet this bro: Low Five + Fist Bump + Bro Hug + Combo

Broness: 5